She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
