She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
