Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
