My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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