the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
