Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
