I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
