just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
there is puke in my bra ... again
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