walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
