the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
