Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
