neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
