I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
