I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
