my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
