Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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