if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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