My first STD was from a foam party
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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