I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
