Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
