Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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