Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
