I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
