I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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