I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
