Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
