I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
