youre lurking in front of me
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
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