Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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