In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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