If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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