Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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