I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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