i think my tv is drunk
i was born a porn star she said
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
