Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Where did you get a picture of my penis
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
