Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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