He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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