Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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