she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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