Do you still have your period?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
