I puked a lego.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
