I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
