he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
