the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
