I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she peed on how many people?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
