When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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