Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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