Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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