Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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