During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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