I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
