Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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