she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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