you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
