walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
