Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
